Mountains Out of Molehills

5-15-2008 Update: Updated the Geddes pic. Let that be a lesson to me to just make a copy in the first place.

I’ve been hearing the buzz surrounding Miley Cyrus (aka Disney Channel’s “Miley Stewart” aka “Hannah Montana”). I heard about the controversial photo of Cyrus taken by Annie Leibovitz that apparently had everyone’s panties in a ruffle, since Cyrus is only 15. So, of course I, along with the other 7 billion people in the world, had to go take a look. I have to say… what a bunch of bullshit.

(Pedophiles and ephebophiles need not continue reading. Go get help.)

So there is TV’s Hanna Montana, in all of her 15 year old glory, showing off no more than you might see a 15 year old showing off at the beach, or in a backless dress. Big frickin’ deal.

Here’s the photo for those who are interested:

Miley Cyrus in Vanity Fair

You know what Miley looks like in that photo? A 15 year old girl. So if you see that photo and read sexual innuendo into it, then guess what… that makes you a pervert. Not Annie Leibovitz, not Vanity Fair… you. Hey you big perv, get a load of this Anne Geddes photo:

Naked Babies, courtesy Anne Geddes

Full frontal nudity… and they’re only like 15 minutes old! They let this shit onto our calenders (well, your calendars, I would never admit to having an Anne Geddes calendar myself, no matter how cute a baby in a sunflower outfit may be). What is this world coming to?!

I’m sick of the neo-Puritans in our society who drum up a storm every time they perceive some impropriety around them. In this case, it seems the vein runs even deeper than normal. When Janet Jackson had her infamous “wardrobe malfunction” during the Supertime XXXVIII halftime show, the FCC reportedly received 540,000 complaints from Americans.

But you know what? I bet even more Americans had that shit on their Tivo and watched it at least two more times (only 18% of Americans supported the FCC’s investigation).

It was a nipple people, get the fuck over it. So-called “concerned parents” are worried that 1 second’s worth of Janet Jackson’s nipple is going to turn their children in slutty fuck-dolls. They apparently don’t mind whatever effects might come from idolizing sports athletes ruining their bodies in full contact sport, or even parsing the words of the song Justin Timberlake was singing (“Just let me rock you till the break of day… Bet I’ll have you naked by the end of this song”). Characters suffer brutal deaths in show after show, but parents are apparently more concerned with kids seeing some woman’s milk jugs on the TV (it’s not called the “boob tube” for nothing). Yet, mothers increasingly don’t feel any shame in popping out a nipple in public to feed their precious little diaper dumpers.

These so-called cultural warriors are not defending our culture, they are the assholes making our culture unbearable with their pseudo-moralities. What they’re really interested in nothing more than imposing their will on the rest of us by subduing our institutions with their manufactured outrage. Ironically, along with increasing the sexual paranoia that encompasses this country, the most immediate effect of this non-issue is increasing sales for Vanity Fair. In fact, if you thought Vanity Fair’s publishing of the above photo was in poor taste… get a load of their current online subscription landing page:

Subscribe to Vanity Fair for just $15 and get the June issue, featuring Miley Cyrus – GUARANTEED!

Act now and we’ll rush you this issue featuring photos from the Annie Leibovits photo shoot!

Take that, prudes!

Anyway, to all of those who would turn a 15 year old girl’s back into a sexual object in order to get some “I’m offended too!” attention in the public morality sphere… get a life!

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